Recently I've been thinking a lot about death and dying. I'm afraid to die. I wasn't when I was younger perhaps because being young for me was much like being on the brink of insanity. I already felt near death so I wasn't afraid of it. As I struggled to find myself I found my fear of dying faded for a while. I became who I always thought I could be. I have good, helpful friends, a great husband, healthy children, and a job I love. Why does it feel like it will all end? The panic and doubt of my teens and 20s haunts me now in my 30s. I know for sure that I made a lot of bad decisions, but I made even more good ones. I know for sure that I must actively enjoy life and remind myself that without risk there is no success. This risk has brought me the blessings I have now. The risk of moving to Fl, the risk of going to college, the risk of raising a child on my own. I must take solace in the fact that I can overcome my fears and insecurities. No matter how successful and funny I may seem on the outside, there is always a part of me who knows how hard it was to get here. There is the part that holds on to every childhood laugh, every silly moment, every late night, every chubby baby hug. Those are the moments which I thrive on. I thrived on them for different reasons when Tyler was small. They were part of my survival to cope with all the pain I was in. Now, they don't hide the pain, they accentuate the joy that has become my everyday.
I'm about to begin a new phrase in my life. A sober phase. A phase that leaves behind the past and the pain. A phase that finally allows me to be a part of my life instead of struggling to make it through one more day. There is still an irrational fear of dying. I want to live to see my girls grow up. I want to see my son graduate from college and become a man. It's my time to view life as something to be lived, not just FOR me, but BY me, and FOR others.
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