This Much I Know Is True

I wish I had the time, energy, and money to pursue all the things I'm interested in. I'd like to earn an Ph.D. I'd like to go to Greece and Italy and visit famous works of art. I'd like to read all day while it's raining. I'd like to make more money doing what I love. I'd like to talk people into learning from my mistakes. I'd like to doubt myself less. I'd like to appreciate who I am more. I'd like to have those years back when I drank myself into nightly oblivion. I'd like to hold onto moments longer than a moment. I'd like to pour my heart out to every one I meet. I'd like to tell my story and write a book. I'd like for my pets to never die. I'd like for my mother to always be happy. I'd like my children to find their passion. I'd like for rainbows to always amaze me. I'd like to cry and not feel weak. I'd like to love and not be afraid. I'd like to sing and not be embarrassed. I'd like to skip and not feel silly. I'd like to write until I run of things to say. I'd like to laugh everyday until I can't breathe. I'd like to be the happy in someones day. I'd like to be a light in someones life. I'd like to be the act of kindness. I'd like to give as much as I've been given. I'd like to tell the people who left that I'm doing ok. I'd like to move on. I'd like to get over it. I'd like to worry less. I'd like to color more. I'd like to slow down. I'd like to...cherish, wait, hurry, love, add, continue, seek, hold back, renew, concentrate, flow, correct, tolerate.

What I Know

Recently I've been thinking a lot about death and dying. I'm afraid to die. I wasn't when I was younger perhaps because being young for me was much like being on the brink of insanity. I already felt near death so I wasn't afraid of it. As I struggled to find myself I found my fear of dying faded for a while. I became who I always thought I could be. I have good, helpful friends, a great husband, healthy children, and a job I love. Why does it feel like it will all end? The panic and doubt of my teens and 20s haunts me now in my 30s. I know for sure that I made a lot of bad decisions, but I made even more good ones. I know for sure that I must actively enjoy life and remind myself that without risk there is no success. This risk has brought me the blessings I have now. The risk of moving to Fl, the risk of going to college, the risk of raising a child on my own. I must take solace in the fact that I can overcome my fears and insecurities. No matter how successful and funny I may seem on the outside, there is always a part of me who knows how hard it was to get here. There is the part that holds on to every childhood laugh, every silly moment, every late night, every chubby baby hug. Those are the moments which I thrive on. I thrived on them for different reasons when Tyler was small. They were part of my survival to cope with all the pain I was in. Now, they don't hide the pain, they accentuate the joy that has become my everyday.
I'm about to begin a new phrase in my life. A sober phase. A phase that leaves behind the past and the pain. A phase that finally allows me to be a part of my life instead of struggling to make it through one more day. There is still an irrational fear of dying. I want to live to see my girls grow up. I want to see my son graduate from college and become a man. It's my time to view life as something to be lived, not just FOR me, but BY me, and FOR others.

10 Signs That You Might Be An Idiot | The Sarcasmist

10 Signs That You Might Be An Idiot | The Sarcasmist

i know

I know that people need to learn from their mistakes but I wish I could teach the how to be comfortable with yourself. I wasted many years feeling inferior when I wasn't inferior to anyone except myself.

i know

That mothers fight for their children even when its makes their kids look like mommas boys.

I know

Today I know that people who are never going to college probably don't care about British Literature. And I know that I'm going to let my frustration with that fact...go. I'm letting it go.

oh yeah

what i know for sure is that some days i find myself lacking. and other days i friggin love myself. i wont always be the smartest or most organized and i am going to be okay with that.

I know for sure

Today I know for sure that other people are so annoying that I want to collectively punch everyone simultaneously in the face. A World Wide Slap upside their dumb ass heads.

#1

What I know for sure....

I can tell and teach and lecture and beg, but people are still going to learn from their own mistakes and not mine.